Donald Trump Attends Church For The First Time

Donald Trump in Church

New York, New York - Waking up Sunday and deciding to further his appeal to the Conservative Tea Party, presidential candidate Donald Trump attended church for the first time. Many church attendees were struck by the presence of Trump, and amazed when he first walked into the church yelling “Let’s pray!” Several church goers witnessed Trump's entourage of several advisors and photographers...

Man Beaten in 7-Eleven Parking Lot

Back into spot

Utica, New York -- A man was severely beaten in broad daylight on Thursday afternoon in a 7-Eleven parking lot in Utica, New York. Caught on video, the seemingly healthy young man is seen backing his car into the parking spot of the clearly empty parking lot. Two 7-Eleven employees are seen exiting the store, charging at the victim, and...

Man Can’t Hold Back Telling People How Much He Hates iPhones

He hates iPhone

Expressing his love for telling people with iPhones how much he hates iPhones, Teddy Snitz reportedly admitted that he never actually owned an iPhone. “I just love telling people how awful iPhones are. I mean my Samsung runs almost as fast, and is almost as good! I strictly have the Samsung to prove to people how much I hate iPhones,”...

Ted Cruz Sacrifices Wife to Norse God Odin

Ted Cruz Sacrificing Wife To Oden

Houston, Texas – In a shocking and last ditch effort to try and win the upcoming presidential election, Ted Cruz sacrificed his wife Heidi Cruz to the Norse God Odin last night. Heidi was tied to the top of a funeral pyre that was on the front lawn of their home. After a large crowd gathered around, Heidi was...

Donald Trump To Ban Long Hair For Men If Elected

Trump to ban long hair

Washington, DC - Admitting his hairline isn’t what it use to be, Republican Party nominee Donald Trump admitted Thursday that he plans on enacting a law, if elected, that’ll ban long hair on men so that all men can feel the same struggle with hair that he constantly goes through. “A lot of people are saying that since I grew...

Family Celebrates Their Half Way Point To Not Talking Anymore

Mother Father Daughter

Reno, Nevada - Feeling happy that their youngest daughter just graduated 8th grade, parents Tom and Daisy Widdlestone decided to throw a party to celebrate the half way point to when they’ll no longer be talking to each other. “We’re really excited that Lucy is already done with middle school which means she’ll only have high school and college until...

Woman Incensed at Restaurant Wait

crowded restaurant

Omaha, Nebraska – A woman and her husband stormed out of an Olive Garden today after waiting 10 minutes for a waitress after getting seated. The woman, Cindy Mickelton, stated the following, “How dare they not take care of us right after we were seated. It was absolutely horrendous service to make us wait 10 minutes like that.” When told...

Grandmother Disowned by Family After Complaining About Weather Constantly

Crabby Grandma

Syracuse, New York – 73-year-old widow and grandmother Mary Robinson has been disowned by her sons family after constantly complaining about the weather. Mary’s son Mark stated, “It’s a sad day but it’s been a long time coming. Every time I talked to her on the phone, all she did was complain about the weather the entire time. In winter...

Woman Confused On Why She Hasn’t Lost Weight Even Though She Tells People She’s On A Diet

Diet

Austin, Texas - Chugging a glass of wine, and feeling exhausted after work. Bailey Miller admits she is still confused on how she hasn’t last weight despite her telling everyone that she’s on a diet. “I’ve heard a lot from friends that say they’re on a diet, and wouldn’t you know the next time I see them they lost a...

Attack on Politically Correct Students at University of New Hampshire

Ill Student Being Treated

Durham, New Hampshire – The University of New Hampshire is known to be a politically correct college campus where they recently published a bias-free language guide where they proclaim words like American, homosexual, illegal alien, and poor to be problematic words. A group of twelve politically correct students were meeting together in the school library when an unknown white male...