Hillary Clinton To Join Emo Community Because No One Understands Her

Sad Hillary Clinton

New York, New York - Quickly storming into her room and slamming the door behind her, Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton reportedly went into her bedroom and put black eyeliner on while getting out her old My Chemical Romance T-Shirt. “I’ll show them who I truly am! I love wearing black and cutting myself,” Clinton reportedly said in between putting her...

Donald Trump’s Responses for First Presidential Debate Leaked

Hillary and Donald Debate

Washington, D.C. – Donald Trump’s responses for all of the upcoming scheduled presidential debates have been leaked to us at TheBurnWard by a reliable inside source that we cannot disclose at this time. The surprisingly short, single page of responses states only a few different short responses that will be used on all questions asked. The response for any question asked...

Woman Deletes Friends and Family from Facebook

Woman Deletes Friends and Family from Facebook.

Cleveland, Ohio – Mary Plegano, age 47, finally had it with many of her friends and family yesterday as she deleted 87 of them from Facebook. Mary, who makes upwards of ten posts on Facebook a day that vary from pictures to status updates to shared links, stated that the 87 people she deleted had not liked or commented...

Suburban Kid Upset Over His Birthday Gifts

Rich Suburben White Boy

Seattle, Washington - Sitting with his parents on a Saturday night discussing his frustration with only receiving a 46” Television when he requested a 48”, Josh Smith reportedly spent three days complaining to his parents about his birthday gifts. “I simply asked for a trip to Italy, an Xbox One, and a 48” Tv. Instead I got a trip to...

Johnny Manziel Retiring from the NFL

Johnny Football

Los Angeles, California – Johnny Manziel announced his retirement from the NFL today at the age of 23. He in turn announced his new career move, a professional beer drinker. Manziel will enter beer drinking contests across the globe starting with one at Oktoberfest in Germany this fall. Manziel stated, “I contemplated checking myself into rehab and getting back into...

Man Makes Mistake Of Getting Spaghetti From Denny’s

Sick From Dennys Spaghetti

Erie, Pennsylvania - Sitting at Denny’s while glancing at the menu, 40-year-old Bill Tedsworth made the daring mistake of ordering spaghetti. Bill reportedly was feeling like his life was in a downward spiral and needed to do something no one has ever done before. In the end, his decision was ordering a big plate of spaghetti from Denny’s. “I shouldn’t have...

Milwaukee Institutes Shocking New Law to Combat Against Littering

Shock Collar

Milwaukee, Wisconsin – In an effort to try and make their city clean, the city of Milwaukee has instituted a new law to try and keep the trash off the streets. The previous law fined someone $100 if they were caught littering but officials stated that this wasn’t a big enough threat to stop people from littering. The new, much...

Kids In “Stranger Things” Already Planning Their First Arrests

Kids from the Netfilx Show, Stranger Things

Los Angeles, California - Coming to the realization that they only have a few years of stardom left until their first arrests, the kids of the Netflix Series Stranger Things told reporters Wednesday that they all just started to plan what their first arrests will be. “On my sixteenth birthday I plan on releasing a picture of myself with a bong,...

Man Only Watching NASCAR for the Crashes

NASCAR Fan

Richmond, Virginia – Ed Swarson is an avid NASCAR fan. His house is covered in memorabilia and you can always see him in one of his favorite NASCAR shirts. The problem, his friends say, is he only likes it for the crashes. Every Sunday, Ed gets together with his friends to hang out and watch the race at one of...

Parents Name Son “Politically Correct”

Politially Correct Couple and Baby

Minneapolis, Minnesota – First time parents George and Linda Smith have named their newborn son Politically Correct Smith or P.C. Smith for short. George had the following to say, “My wife and I thought on a name for months and we came to the conclusion that any actual name we would have chosen would have been insensitive to someone in...