Sunday, November 19, 2017
State Seal of Texas

Texas to Change State Flag

Austin, Texas - Texas officials have announced today that they will unveil a new flag for the Lone Star State. We at theBURNward.com got an...
Sad Man

Man Depressed Because Knock-Knock Jokes Are Dead

Akron, Ohio — Unable to control his depression after learning something he loved was gone, Mark Steps, the 47-year-old local baker came to this...
Kids from the Netfilx Show, Stranger Things

Kids In “Stranger Things” Already Planning Their First Arrests

Los Angeles, California - Coming to the realization that they only have a few years of stardom left until their first arrests, the kids...

Son Disowns Father After Not Being Able to Grow a Beard

Seattle, Washington – Nick Prasinski, age 23, has disowned his father today after he came to the realization that he will never be able...

Woman Comes Out as Fake

Chicago, Illinois - Barb Telminster, age 48, has announced that she is a fake person. She says that she's been fake for as long...

Family Arrested for Chaining Mother in Basement During Football Sunday

Kansas City, Missouri – A father and his two sons have been arrested today after it was discovered that they chained their mother in their...
Feminist

Feminist Are Mad Because Men Are Taller Than Them

Portland, Oregon - "Men being taller than the average woman is sexist!" Local feminist leader Brittany Tally told reporters Saturday "I refuse to serve under...
Football Stadium

FIFA to Increase Size of World Cup Playing Fields

Zurich, Switzerland - FIFA officials have announced today that they will be increasing the size of all playing fields in time for the 2018 World...
Crabby Grandma

Grandmother Disowned by Family After Complaining About Weather Constantly

Syracuse, New York – 73-year-old widow and grandmother Mary Robinson has been disowned by her sons family after constantly complaining about the weather. Mary’s son...

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Koko the Signing Gorilla Radicalized

Woodside, California - Koko, the female western lowland gorilla made headlines in the 1980's when she was taught American Sign Language (ASL) by her...

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Man Beaten in 7-Eleven Parking Lot

Utica, New York -- A man was severely beaten in broad daylight on Thursday afternoon in a 7-Eleven parking lot in Utica, New York. Caught...

Kid Buys Skateboard For Aesthetic Rather Than Skateboarding

Phoenix, Arizona - Feeling the need to look good for his first day of 8th grade, Drake Sheltz, 13, purchased his first skateboard strictly...

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