Washington, D.C. – In a shocking turn of events, garbage man Bill Plumpreton uncovered a massive set of intertwined conspiracy theories that were orchestrated by the United States government over the last century. Mr. Plumpreton found a 117 page document hidden in a secret compartment in the Library of Congress that uncovers the real truth on events conspiracy theorists have been questioning for years. Bill gained inspiration for searching for this document after watching the movie National Treasure starring Nicolas Cage over the weekend.
The document reveals that in the early 1960’s, a secret group was formed called the Legion of Doom. The initial group of members consisted of Nikita Khrushchev, Lee Harvey Oswald, Neil Armstrong, Lyndon Johnson, and Elvis Presley. All of the members of the group were Muslim extremists with the whole goal of the group being the overthrow of the United States government.
The document goes on to state that they were responsible for the assassination of President John F. Kennedy and his brother, the faking of the moon landing, and the hoax that was the Cold War. The Soviet Union and the United States worked together during the space race to place a giant laser they called the global warmer into orbit to heat up earth. They wanted to turn the United States into a sweltering desert, just like their home countries in the Middle East.
After a few decades of decline after the fall of the Soviet Union, Legion of Doom member and hardcore extremist George W. Bush orchestrated the 9/11 attacks on the United States to bring his group back to the forefront. The document finishes up by saying that President Bush hand groomed his protégé, Libyan Muslim Barack Obama to take over for him. Conspiracy theorists across the nation are rejoicing in saying I told you so to those that never believed them.