Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania — Observing that he feels dismal every time he enters a coffee house, sources close to hipster Tony Redwing confirmed Thursday that he is no longer oblivious to the fact that he can’t be a hipster if hates coffee shops.
Redwing’s parents and friends told reporters that Redwing came to the realization that he could no longer be a hipster when a friend asked him which coffee house he preferred. After hearing the question, Redwing reportedly answered none and started to question his existence in the hipster community.
“I’m still upset about this. I met Tony after high school, and to this day I always thought of him as a hipster. And it hurts me to realize that he actually isn’t one.” Said Redwing’s friend, Willow, who noted this is the first of her friends who has been discovered to be a fake hipster.
“I still have nightmares about hearing Tony’s response to what coffee house he preferred,” She continued. “I’ve been lied to for seven years by this fake.”
Sources speculate that Redwing has been confused on who he wants to be since he was a child, and at this rate redwing will most likely follow another group of people until he truly finds who he is.
“I’m really happy that Tony is no longer into that whole phase anymore. I just hope he votes Trump, and gets a good job,” said Anthony Redwing, Tony Redwing’s father. “Now that he’s back home, he’s finally starting to see the light. He shaved his head, started reading some book called Mein Kampf and pledged his allegiance to Trump!”