Houston, Texas – In a shocking and last ditch effort to try and win the upcoming presidential election, Ted Cruz sacrificed his wife Heidi Cruz to the Norse God Odin last night. Heidi was tied to the top of a funeral pyre that was on the front lawn of their home. After a large crowd gathered around, Heidi was burned alive while Ted was seen loudly chanting in a strange language to Odin in front of the pyre.
Ted, sporting nothing but a long black robe, was asked after the burning about his apparent abrupt change in religion after being raised a Christian. He simply stated, “I believe in the old Gods and the new.” He went on to say that despite already dropping out of the presidential race, he believes that this sacrifice to Odin will provide him with the presidency. He claimed, “If you provide for Odin, he will provide for you.” Strong words indeed.