Chicago, Illinois– A stunning discovery was made at Lollapalooza over the weekend. It appears no bands actually played live. Sarah Torres attended the festival Saturday evening to see her favorite band, the Red Hot Chili Peppers. She soon discovered that it was all a ruse. She stated that multiple stages were set up with nothing but a stereo system on each stage playing recordings of each band during their scheduled set times.
Sarah stated that despite this, all of the half naked, thousands of people in the crowd were so drunk and high on various drugs that they cheered and danced continuously, oblivious to the empty stages. She thinks that everyone in the crowd other than herself got so drunk and high that they couldn’t remember anything about the show the next day.
It appears as though Miss Torres is the first person to attend Lollapalooza in the 25 years of its existence, without being drunk and/or high on some type of drug. The festival organizers could not be reached for comment.