Rochester, New York – A man has been checked into an insane asylum today after snapping and attacking people with a machete at a local grocery store. Police are saying Ted Albatross was shopping in the produce section of a Wegmans this afternoon when he was trapped on multiple sides by both women having a conversation, people rudely blocking any way in or out with their shopping carts, and slow people.
Police say he calmly removed a roll of duct tape and a machete from the inside of his jacket and attached it to the end of his shopping cart. Police say what’s most surprising is none of the people around him noticed him doing this. Witnesses say he screamed a loud blood curdling scream and ran charging with the shopping cart and slashed the hamstrings of many of the people around him. Seven people in total were taken to the hospital with severed hamstrings, though they are all expected to make a full recovery.
Mr. Albatross had to be restrained with a straight jacket and removed from the store strapped to a gurney, where he was seen babbling incoherently.