Washington D.C. – President Obama held a press conference today announcing a new cabinet office, The Department of Fashion. With Obama for the announcement was his nominee for the post of Secretary of Fashion, Jeffrey Waterhip of Boca Raton, Florida.
Waterhip’s main duty is described by the president as “protecting the integrity of the American people.” He will be in charge of a large federal police force, rightly named the Fashion Police, who will number 10,000 strong. They will work just like a normal police force except they will be enforcing federal fashion laws.
After his introduction by Obama, Waterhip outlined a three strike penalty system for fashion offenses in the United States. The first strike will result in a $500 fine, the second strike a $1000 fine, and the third strike will result in jail time.
The major infractions the Fashion Police will be looking for are males who wear their pants loosely below their waist, women who aren’t the bride going to a wedding wearing white, and out of shape individuals who think it’s okay to wear tight or very little clothing — Mr. Waterhip gave an example of going to a family picnic and having to see his Uncle Bob shirtless. Waterhip described his Uncle Bob as a man that, “Hasn’t been able to see his feet in several years”.
More details will be announced at a future press conference but the government is clearly fed up with the way more and more people are dressing.