New York, New York – In a shocking reveal that came out of nowhere, Bigfoot has announced that he is real. A press conference was held on Tuesday afternoon at Madison Square Garden where Bigfoot announced his coming out and answered questions.
After he began to speak at the press conference, most of the reporters recognized Bigfoot as his alternate identity, Vin Diesel. He stated that for years he lived in the forests of North America living off the land but in the past 20 years it’s become increasingly difficult due to deforestation and an increased human presence. Several years ago he made a decision to shave off all of his hair and act in “one or two shallow yet lucrative action flicks”. Between films he would grow back his hair and live in the wild but now he’s decided to keep the hair off and to go into acting full time.
He stated about the change; “It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be. I already was big and muscular enough to be an action movie star and I just have to grunt and mumble whenever I have any lines.”
He also used the press conference to announce that he has signed a twenty picture deal with Universal to extend the Fast and Furious franchise and that he has signed a massive endorsement deal with Schick Razors to appear in commercials and billboards to promote his new razor, the Schick Squatchro. Clearly this is a big money making move by Bigfoot.